Monday, November 29, 2010

Look A likes

Abigail came up to me today and told me "mommy, Andrewe looks like daddy. I miss him. Love him still." It amazing that she is connecting the resemblence of Andrew and Luke.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Abigail was so sick last week. She would go to bed with a normal temp and wake up with a hollusanation(sp) and a temp of 104. One night she woke up and began yelling at me telling me, "DADDY DIDNT DIE! HE LEFT US! DOESNT HE LOVE ME! TELL HIM TO COME BACK! I HATE THAT HES GONE!" I tried to calm her down. Get her to wake up so I could talk to her. I finally just started reminding her that daddy didnt choose to leave us God took him home to Heaven, Daddy does Love you that was the last thing he told me on the phone. And that Daddy cant come back once you go to heaven you cant come back. then all of a sudden (i didnt even know she knew some of these words) she starts yelling again "I DONT BELIEVE YOU MOMMY! DADDY LEFT! HE HATES ME! WHY HE NO LOVE ME! WHY HE NOT HERE ANYMORE! TELL HIM COME BACK I WANT HIS HUGS NOT YOURS! DADDY DIDNT DIE! HE JUST LEFT! TELL HIM COME HOME!" I started talking to her again. And Something finally clicked i dont know if she woke up some and relized what was going on or what but she crawled over to me and hugged me tight. I then asked her if she remembered that daddy was dead she said "yes mommy he died car accident, roll over." I let out the biggest sigh of relief that she did remeber.

Attitude Girl

My little princess is turning into a little I dont know what to call her. She has really begun to be disobediant. She used to listen so well and I never had to get on to her much. But now it seems every time I turn around I have to get on to her again and again about the same thing. She doesnt seem like she is learning her lesson. No matter what I try she just keeps yelling and screaming and telling me NO!! This has been the time now where I wish I had my "back up" (Luke). I am trying to find the best way to help teach her but nothing I try seems to work she turns around 2 mins later and does the exact same thing.

Osters for a visit

I had the Oster family over to visit about a week ago. I had decided to make meat-loaf the same way Luke liked it when i made it for him. It was great to remember him even while I was enjoying fellowship with the Osters.

Monday, November 1, 2010


The viewing for little Donald is tomorrow evening. I will be there to help Norma as much as I can. I told her ahead of time that I will TRY to be there as long as she wants me to be but really cant make any promises as I am personally still dealing with grief and just the thought of seeing someone I know in a casket is driving me crazy. I am praying the Lord will give me the strength to make it though.


Friday my friends 5 year old son died. I visited the church they attend on Sunday night and had a flashback of the sunday after Lukes accident. The testimonies, the memories, the songs, the message. Oh how it all reminded me so much of that Sunday. But you know what it has been a great help for me. I am getting to help Norma in a diffrent way than anyone else has been able to because I have experience death in our family. Even though lossing a spouse and lossing a child is completly opposite. I could not imagine lossing Abigail or Andrew, Norma said she could not imagine lossing her husband. But in our so diffent losses the Lord is giving us a special bond in Him.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Visiting churches

Wow looking for just the right church can be a difficult process. There are so many diffrent churches in our area. And everyone of them is so eager to have us join. Which if a church was not eager I would be very concerned. I stoped by a church tonight and they were very sweet. Very helpful and understanding. There has been two other churches I visited and I knew people at both of them so that always helps your not walking in completly clueless. Its been a matter of Lord where do you want me and where would I fit in. Some of the churches say they would put me in the Young married class because thats where all the others my age are. But then I feel akward becasue Luke is not there with me. Another one all the young adults single, divorced, married are all in one class. (At least there I would not be the only one sitting without a mate. Then the other church I have visited all the adult young, old, married, divorced, widowed are all together. Just continueing to pray where the Lord would have us be.

Biscuts and Gravy

Wow last night I was really craving biscuts and gravy. It has been 1 1/2 years since I made them. Luke and I always had them on Saturday morning before church visitation. He enjoyed them so much. So I made the gravy the exact same way we always did. Bought the exact same biscuts. I loved the tatse of them so much. The kids also ate them all up even asked for more. We may just have to start ourselves a new tradition with buscuts and gravy who knows.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Just recieved an e-mail the other day from a missionary in England. He told me that when he heard about Lukes accident that he began praying for someone to surrender to go to Penrith to start a work. (Penrith is where Luke and I were going to work) When I went over to England this summer the missionary asked me to present my testimony to a bunch of preachers and missionaries. I was pretty shocked because they already have there place of ministry. But the LORD KNOWS WHAT HIS WILL IS! So i shared my testimony and this man was in the congregation. I recieved an E-mail telling me that this man feels the Lord leading him to Penrith. He said he has known for a while it took my trip to England and hearing my testimony for God to finally wake him up and tell him it time. The church he has right now is being given to a national!! praise the Lord for that!!! Some other problems have arose causing him to resign his position Sunday!!! He will be making his move to Penrith by January. Praise the Lord. He used my testimony to his GLORY!!!!! I have asked the man if when they hold their first servise there if i could be a part or a special meeting there will be holding. I dont see why that would be a problem at all. : )

school days

Well Abigail and Andrew have been attending a school so mommy can have a little space and they can again begin to trust mommy. They have the mindset that if I leave them I wont be back. It has been a battle with them on getting them to trust me again. And school has been helping. I love Abigails school! Its a nice Christian school. I have explained to them what has happened and if there is ever a big problem they call me and I will judge if I go down there or not. Unfortantly Andrew can not go to Abigails school until hes two so he is just going to a small school around the corner from our house. He seems to like it very much. But I think he keeps looking for is sister. He has become very dependent on her. So it may be good that they are in seprate schools for now. I know it has helped me a lot. I am able to go to the gym, sit down and study my Bible, pray without the interuption of mommy i need this....wahhhhhhh!!! But looking forward to the time Andrew will be able to go to the same school as Abigail. It will be much better to have them both at the same place. : ) The Lord has really been helping me with the kids in a school, finacially and the kids enjoying being there.

Friday, September 17, 2010

I hold the key

Well we closed on our house today. I am super excited about it. It will be a big step for us but a much needed step. I did though be very picky about the master bathroom. I did not want a big master bath. I also did not want two sinks and u know what the master bathroom is about the same size as the kids bathroom. The house though is wonderful. I can see the kids and I having tons of fun there. A new place to make tons of happy memories.

Abigails Birthday Party

Well we had Abigails birthday party tonight but before i talk about that lets go back to last night. Abigail kept wanting to invite daddy to her party so i decided to get a ballon and write the invite on it and then abigail wrote some on it. We went out side. (Abigail call the moon daddy moon she says it him smiling at her and the stars are kisses he left for her) We found daddy moon and she told him "daddy come to party, love u miss u" Then she sent the ballon up. We watched it go higher and higher till we could no longer see it. This morning when we got up she was so excited she told me that daddy got the ballon. I smiled at her and told her allright that so exciting. I had prayed that the moon might be visable during her party. So when the party got ready to start something told me to turn around and there in the sky was daddy moon. I just started crying cause the moon was there and how happy it would make abigail. Thank you Lord for answering a 2 year olds birthday invite. How precious it was to see Abigails face light up when she saw him in the sky. She got so excited and Said "daddy moon came to party" She kept saying this. The great thing is daddy moon stayed out the entire party. Every once in a while we would see Abigail look up at him and smile. She also had her daddy bear out there and he sat next to her while she opened present and with her while she ate her cake and ice cream. She was so happy that daddy moon and daddy bear was here for her special day.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I have been missing the physical touch from Luke. I just want to walk hand and hand with someone. I am always holding my daughters hand but it is so far from the same thing. Really really wish there was something i could do.

talk at last

I have been waiting patiently to get a chance to talk to a friend of mine and just never seemed like we got the time. Finally tonight on Facebook we got the chance. Every time we tried to talk at church someone would come up and butt in. It was getting so furstrating. But people cant butt in when your on a computer conversation. But anyways I finally got to pick this persons heart and see what they were needing prayer for. This person goes to a University so is exposed to some crazy stuff. They asked for me just to pray that they will continue to follow God even while people try to presue them other ways.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

putting away clothes

Tonight I was going through Abigails closet to pull out all her clothes that are too small and I pulled out a brown dress with pink and purple flower on it. It was the last dress that Luke bought for Abigail and it is way too small now. He bought it for her so she would have something nice but comfy for deputation. I broke down in tears just clinging to the dress. I cant get rid of it it means to much so i hung the dress on a hanger and hung it up on Abigails curtain rod.

The moon that smiles

The past few nights Abigail has really been wanting to see the moon. So I finally asked her about what was so specail about seeing the moon. She then told me that "daddy smiles to me" So I asked her what she was meaning by daddy smiles at her and she told me that daddy was in the moon smiling at her. It is so precious that she now has something to look at and remeber daddys smile.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

House searc

I have really began searching for a house for me and the kids. I have one that I have really been looking at. In fact no other house can compare to it. I would love to purchase it and move in so the kids and I can begin life again. I love my parents for all they have done these pase 10 1/2 months but I believe it is really time to move on. Get life going again. It cant be on pause for ever.

My Smile

When will it ever come back...I really hate looking at pictures of me and Luke becasue of my smile. I love how real my smile was and now its just so fake. A pretend smile to get me through each day. I want to be happy again. When will my smile return. A person can only fake it for so long.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Luke's car

My dad had to do some work on Luke's little red chevy Aveo yesterday. Abigail saw him working on it and got mad that he was messing with daddys car. She was yelling at him from inside the house. I finally had to take her outside so she could see papa was not hurting the car but helping the car. Then, she was okay that he was out there touching it. But she became so protective of daddys car.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Singing Jesus Loves Me

Tonight Abigail sang "Jesus Loves Me" for the first time. I was so happy for her. Then all of a sudden I just started crying becuase Luke (her daddy) was not here to hear her sing. I know he in Heaven and he heard her but he couldnt praise her like everyone else can. It was a happy and a sad time all mixed into one.